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Donít make any plans for Sunday. Jesus was wrong!

Being an ancient hippie I was rather concerned about Friday, May 13, 2011. Not just because it was Friday The Thirteenth, but because there was a planetary alignment predicted by the song "Aquarius" in the musical Hair. Jupiter was aligned with Mars, but apparently the Moon was not in the Seventh House so nothing changed.

Things will different a week later. Sunday, May 22, 2011 is going to be a very bad day for people who are not good Christians, because at 6pm on Saturday, May 21, the Rapture is going to happen. This is when all good souls will be taken to Heaven, leaving the sinners and apostates behind. It could even be worse, as some are saying that all the people who have ever died will come back to wander the Earth. It will be the long-predicted Zombie Apocalypse.

"And how do I know this?" you ask, as even non-Christians might be aware of Jesus telling his followers that nobody would be able to predict when he would return.

We owe the warning to US radio and television evangelist Harold Camping, who has exhaustively researched the Bible to obtain the exact date of the end of everything. I will briefly explain the reasoning.

First, Noahís flood happened in 4099BC, a fact known to all historians, geologists and people with good imaginations. We also know from Genesis 7:10-11 that the flood started on the 17th day of the second month. You might wonder what that has to do with the 21st day of the fifth month but bear with me, it will all become clear.

Moving right along, in Peter 3:8 we read that, to God, a day is a thousand years and a thousand years is a day. Going back to Genesis 7:4, God mentions seven days, which obviously really means seven thousand years. Are you still with me.?

If you add seven thousand years to 4099BC and take off one because there was no year zero you get Ė wait for it Ė 2011. Thatís this year!

But where does May 21 come from? Apparently there is a Biblical calendar which counts things differently from secular calendars based on things like the lengths of days and years, making May 21 the anniversary of the day that the arkís doors were locked and the rains started coming down. I donít know where the 6PM came from, but apparently it will happen at that local time everywhere, like a world-spanning Mexican Wave.

"But Iím not worried", I hear you say. "Iím a non-believer and I know how to deal with zombies" you say. Well, donít get too complacent, because Noahís flood lasted 150 days and that gives us another date to worry about. Add 150 days to May 21 and you get October 21, the date on which the entire Earth will be destroyed by fire.

And you were worried about the Mayan calendar running out of days in December 2012? You must be an optimist.

See more Bad Chemicals here

This article was published on the Yahoo! 7 News Blog on May 20, 2011
Yahoo! 7 News

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