So this is Christmas, and what have you bought? Another year over and the money's still short. Here are some last-minute gift suggestions'

Assorted Plastic Shepherds
Every home needs a few dozen plastic shepherds at Christmas time. Not only do they remind us of that first Noël when flocks needed watching, but they provide interesting conversation pieces and can even be used to keep doors open and prevent them from banging. Speaking from personal experience, I can tell you that when you are staggering around after Christmas lunch it is much more comfortable to tread on a shepherd than on a Lego brick or a model train engine.

6 inch Jesus action figure with accessories
This not strictly Christmas-related as it comes with a bowl of bread and fish rather than a manger full of straw, but it is of high quality and it is durable so it will last until your four to nine year old gets around to reading about what Jesus did thirty years after the first Christmas. It will also be very useful if unexpected relatives turn up for Christmas dinner and your victualler hasn't laid in enough food. Of course, everyone will have to like loaves and fishes, but at least there will be no shortage of wine.

I have to admit, though, that looking at this site brought back painful memories of my childhood. When I saw the Sampson action figure I was taken back to one of my birthdays when all I wanted was a plastic ass jawbone but the shop had run out when Dad went to get it. I was happy with the brace of Purdey shotguns that he bought instead, but they don't give the same satisfaction when you are slaying Philistines. I have always liked to use the correct tool for the job.

Tape worm trap
There is always a temptation to eat too much at Christmas time, especially if you have to attend parties at several different houses on the one day and each host tries to outdo the rest in hospitality. One traditional prophylactic against overeating has been to swallow a few tape worms before setting out for the first relative's house. If you get the worm dose just right you can eat like a pig (or even eat a pig) and still feel comfortable at the end of the day. The trouble has always been how to get rid of the tape worms afterwards, because they are persistent creatures and once they have tasted plum pudding with brandy sauce they become a bit rebellious when told that their work is done. Luckily, someone has addressed this problem and the perfect answer is now available.

Holiday Snowglobe
Endless fun.

Enchanted Broomstick
My wife hinted at getting a new car for Christmas, but the man at the Ferrari shop said that he couldn't get the colour she wanted in time so we have decided to put the purchase off until next year. We are going to get her current conveyance refurbished, and while we were at the refurbisher we got looking at some accessories and options. It is amazing how much has changed in the broomstick business over the years. When we got her first one it was a case of "You can have any colour bristles you want as long as it's millet". Now there's not only a choice of colours, but you can get mini versions like the one in the picture which are much easier to park when you just have to go to the shops for a few items or to pick up the pizza or Chinese food. And you can use them to brush away negativity as well. If only you could fit them with a towbar to take the boat to the lake, but the Ferrari has the same problem.

Pyradyne added December 20, 2003
Here's a man after my own heart. Working on "nuclear projects" and secret conspiracies in a university at 14, into the Air Force at 16 to work on vital UFO research, worked on the military version of Star Wars (and probably the ultra-secret civilian version as well), went on to become Pleiadean ambassador to Earth. There are eerie parallels with my own career history here, but there is still much that I must not talk about. (True story: my first job after leaving school was with an organ of the defence infrastructure. I was prohibited, under penalty of incarceration, from telling my mother what I did at work, the address of the office, or my telephone number at work. After a few weeks shuffling papers I was transferred to somewhere where secrecy really mattered, but the building had a great big sign on the front saying what went on inside and nobody seemed to care who told who what. Weird.) I am impressed that Fred's father bought a bridge. Unfortunately he didn't get the bridge he thought he was buying, but it didn't matter because he was going to put it in the desert anyway. And he had a famous uncle.

The English-to-12-Year-Old-AOLer Translator added December 20, 2003
Have you ever received an email from an AOL subscriber? Now you can write back and be understood.

Loon of the Month

For contractual reasons there is very little I can say about the Illuminati. Or, as it is put in one of our their sacred texts: "A nod is as good as a wink to a blind bat. Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge, say no more".

Illuminati Defector Details Pervasive Conspiracy added December 20, 2003 My connections with the Illuminati were revealed for all to see early in November by a lady who exposed the brutal conspiracy against alternative medicine in Australia. (You can see some more about this at The Millenium Project.) This means that I can now say something about this most secret of secrets, although I could never bring myself to make the sort of revelations made here by "Svali". It is just as well that she keeps her identity secret, because the wrath of the Illuminati is awful and its reach is great. Not that using a false name will save her, of course, because the pervasiveness of the Illuminati is one of its greatest strengths, and it has access to all sorts of secret files. All of this is moot, anyway, because I remember working with her on the planning to get the second-last Pope out of the way so that Karol Wtszname could get the job. I would probably get a promotion if I dropped a word in the right ear. But I think I have sad too much already.

Monkeys of Eden - the telepathic Overlords and the Slaves of Earth added December 5, 2003
The truth about lizards has been hidden for too long. Oh, there have been clues about who the real rulers are, like the prevalence of dragon iconography in the heraldic symbols of the aristocracy, but you will never find a president, a premier or a prince coming out openly and admitting his reptileness. There are hints in our language as well such as the use of the expression "cold-blooded killer" to describe certain evil persons, a sure reference to exothermic reptility. Our tongues are red because of the blood inside them but the lizard I saw in my back yard last weekend had a blue tongue, and we know what colour royal blood is. I remember being transfixed by the strange eyes of the brand new Queen Elizabeth when I met her at a reception after her coronation. (Her friends call her "Elizardeth".) I do not believe that I have ever seen her ears, and the ears of her son and heir are obvious fakes fitted to cover up the lizardly truth.

The "Fallen of Heaven" added December 5, 2003
Do you have a webcam? There are demons in it.

Dove Of Oneness Reports added December 5, 2003
Outside my window I can hear the chirruping of mynahs. Birds are important and useful animals, and throughout my life I have been influenced by birds of various kinds. The Cockatoo of Conscience lived in the corner of my parents' parlour and warned me and my siblings when we were about to sin. The Emu of Equality attacked me at a zoo once to remind me that animals want to be free. The Ibis of Infiltration came into my tent when I was on a camping holiday and ate all my truffles, a way of letting me know the dangers of poor security. (I had ignored the advice of an old, grizzled camper who had told me: "You won't have any trouble with birds if you keep your fly zipped up".) An anonymous chicken is about to assist me with the preparation of a sandwich for lunch. I had never, however, heard of the Dove of Oneness until recently, but it is good to see that the Dove has a web site.

Drawings of aliens made by children added December 5, 2003
Kids today have all the fun. When I was little there were no computer games or DVD players and if you wanted to find out what happened in the third part of Lord of the Rings you had to get this cubical thing made out of mashed trees and imagine what Hobbits looked like instead of waiting until the movie came out and Dad gave you tickets for Christmas. As a great philosopher once said, those were times when "we had imaginings and we had all kinds of things" and "we had simplicity and we had warm toast for tea". Kids today can be abducted by aliens, but I don't remember any of my friends saying that they had been abducted. That doesn't mean it never happened, of course, because back then we couldn't get that special plastic to put in our hats so that our memories couldn't be blocked. Come to think of it, it was quite common to see an apparently abandoned bicycle and the kid wouldn't come back to collect it for hours ...

Time Travel added December 5, 2003
Speaking of childhood, wouldn't it be wonderful to be able to travel back in time to those halcyon days before we had mortgages or to go into the future to see how things are going to work out. These things are possible, of course, but the truth is hidden and the only clue we have is the way that the slinky moves down the stairs. Time travel can save you from a lot of wasted effort, and I had an example of that in my musical career. I had completed my bongo drum studies at the Conservatorium and I was looking for another instrument to excel at. The local symphony orchestra had a vacancy for a theremin player, so I bought one. After a few practice sessions I was getting nowhere, so I asked a friend of mine with a suppressed time machine for help. We went forward a few years and I saw how I was going to be just a good player rather than the virtuoso that my ambition demanded. When I returned I transferred my studies to the triangle and sold my theremin to a passing American troubadour. I wonder whatever happened to Brian Wilson.