Quintessence of the Loon

Previous monthNext monthNovember 2002

Loon of the Month

Stephen Hawking appeared in an episode of The Simpsons where he was described as "the world's smartest man". It looks like he might have to surrender that title, although the real recognition of the challenger will come when he gets to do his own voice in a conversation with Lisa and Bart.
This is not the scientist who has the web site with the Theory of Everything.Theory of Analytical Space-Time added 30 November 2002
It's been ages since Einstein came up with General Relativity, and it is about time someone started doing some useful work on a Theory of Everything. Oh, I know that there have been a lot of pseudoscientists and pretenders working on this problem, but they have been confining their publications to learned, peer-reviewed journals. This means that there is no hope of them breaking out of the orthodoxy and having new ideas recognised, so they just keep coming up with the same old stuff. Just take Stephen Hawking for example. He writes books and works at Cambridge, but does he have a web site? (The fabulous MC Hawking's Crib doesn't count.) To prove real innovation and original thought, a true scientist with the answers to the fundamental problems of the universe has no option but to create a web site and then self-publish his works. That's what Einstein would have done.

No birth control here!Could October 5th be the day death and destruction begins? added 30 November 2002
Now that October is safely behind us, we can consider the horror that would have befallen us if we had not all stopped sinning. And our sins were terrible - women were teaching in schools, evil couples were practising birth control, even eviller couples were doing things which could not possibly lead to procreation, tubes were being ligated and severed, breasts were being ogled, Elvis songs were being played on the radio, women carried Versace handbags. Was it any wonder that God was going to rain brimstone down on us all? Oh, I just noticed that all this was supposed to happen in 1997, not 2002. Perhaps God was distracted by Y2K and the end is still to come. (Serious note - anyone who believes that God deliberately caused the Challenger disaster as some form of public execution of sinners is not only mad, but is promoting a sort of god that nobody else would want to believe in.)

Maharishi Global Construction: Architecture in Accord with Natural Law added 30 November 2002

Are you thinking about building a house? You will need this book. Do not fall into the trap of having your brain cells pointing in the wrong direction when you clean your teeth.

Is this the local fishmonger?Muses on the Born Again Fish added 30 November 2002
I like fish. I particularly like it cooked in a light beer batter and served with some hot chips. (Please note that it is an offence against all forms of decency to call the fried potato strips served with fish "french fries". They are not even "fries". They are chips.) Oh, I know that fish is full of mercury and will make my fillings fall out or something, but I am prepared to take the risk. Well, I was prepared to take the risk, but now that I know that fish means "666" in several ways I might have to reconsider, for what shall it profit a man, if he shall have a nice picnic, and lose his own soul? Just look at the picture and see what can happen to you if you eat too much fish - orange goats and men in strange hats follow you about, and your sickle goes rusty. By the way, when you go to this site, don't forget to carry on and look at the garden chair (but not for too long, of course). It looks like the perfect place to eat fish, but if you have bouillabaisse, don't forget to use a long spoon.

There he goes!Ray Wallace, the man who invented Bigfoot, has died. His family have revealed that they knew all along about the special wooden feet he had made to start the hoax back in 1958. They also hinted at (but will not say) who was wearing the furry suit in the famous 1967 Roger Patterson film of the "creature". Now that the hoaxers have revealed the hoax, I suppose that all the Bigfoot believers will have a good laugh at themselves and wonder how they were fooled for so long. And pigs might fly, too.

Cryonics Institute added 30 November 2002

Out in my garage there's a thing called a "chest freezer". I suppose these people use something bigger, because they have to fit more than the chest in.

PB's lawn at dawnKirlian Research Network added 16 November 2002
How could I forget that morning when I woke up to a low humming sound, and when I looked out the window there was this geometric formation carved into my front lawn? (Actually, it was on about half of my neighbour's lawn as well. My house is not that big.) I rushed to the cupboard to get my camera and shot off all the frames left on the film. I was at the mall when the doors opened so I could be the first customer at Lucky Lil's Snapshot Stall. For an hour I fidgeted about and drank too many cups of coffee. Finally, Lil beckoned me over and I had the prints in my hand. Imagine my disappointment. The pictures of my wife at the races with the Royal Family were perfectly focussed and framed, the shots of me riding the 20-footers at Waikiki and coming in third at Le Mans could have been the work of a professional, but the photos of the lawn were just masses of flares and colours. I threw the lot away in disgust. If only I had been able to recognise a Kirlian photograph ...

The World Famous Asphalt Museum added 16 November 2002

Ray Charles didn't know what he was starting when he sang Hit the Road, Jack.

The red lines NASA doesn't want you to see.Cydonia Updates added 16 November 2002
Remember that old face on Mars that was photographed in 1976? Well, there was always a cover-up of the truth, with many promises by NASA to go back and have another look. The problem for NASA was, of course, that if they went back with a better camera they might have to show some better photographs and then everyone would know the truth. When they finally went back in 2001, they had to seriously doctor the photos so that people would be deceived. At last, these later photos have been analysed and have had coloured lines drawn on them to show the truth. Look at those lips!

How To Cook With Lava added 16 November 2002

One day every home will have a stove like this.

Take a good look - it won't be here in 2004The destruction of Babylon added 16 November 2002
Think back to 1999, when we were all waiting for Armageddon to happen in the next year. Well, it didn't happen then because it is going to happen next year. It was just easier for everyone to talk about "Y2K" as if it was a problem because of our natural affinity for round numbers. I'm sure you will agree that "2000" sounds so much more likely as a problem year than "2003" does. The smart ones knew, though, and they knew that nobody was going to want any toilet paper, beans, ammunition, computers or water bottles when the real crunch came, so it was more profitable to sell all these things a few years before the real end came. Now the truth is out, and it is too late to do anything about it.

2003 came. The world went on. This prophecy site didn't.
PB October 5, 2003

A brainwashed mindA synthesis of the Russian Textbook on Psychopolitics added 16 November 2002
You've got to hand it to those Russians. All those years of the Cold War and they had the secret weapon of mind control up their sleeves, but they never seemed to get around to using it. I suppose they were testing it at home on their own people first so that they could get it right before it was unleashed on the unsuspecting and vulnerable rest of us. Then they did some extended tests in eastern Europe just to make sure it was all working perfectly. Finally, it was finished, tested and perfected. All that remained was to use it to dominate the world. Quite a success, wasn't it?

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